Bad Boys needs better villains. Martin Lawrence and Will Smith have played rampage detectives Marcus Burnett and Mike Lowery for 29 years. Four movies, zero awesome antagonists. The best by default came last time. After spending most of Bad Boys for Life on the phone, Kate del Castillo’s cartel queen revealed she was…
1. Mike’s ex-girlfriend, and also…
2. Was a witch, who…
3. Bore Mike a secret son, who…
4. Grew up to be ultra-effective killer Armando (Jacob Scipio), who…
5. Had already tried assassinating Mike before killing his beloved Captain Howard (Joe Pantoliano).
All a bit more Oldboy than I expect from a legacy sequel on autopilot. Bad Boys: Ride or Die can’t match that soapiness. Eric Dane plays a boring puppetmaster forcing Mike and Marcus on the run. Smith seems checked out, Lawrence’s mania feels cruise controlled. But directors Adil El Arbi and Bilall Fallah know how to film a fight scene on a crashing plane, and they have the good humor to climax in an abandoned alligator amusement park.
Michael Bay directed the first two installments. His blessing, his curse, was he only knew how to make everything look like an M16 lingerie commercial. Adil & Bilall took over with the 2020 revival, the biggest hit in a short year for theaters. Then Smith did one of the craziest things a famous person has ever done. Bad Boys has always been safe harbor, an easy way to reignite a fanbase left unserved by The Legend of Bagger Vance or Gemini Man. No way this fourth movie happens this fast if anyone else takes Smith’s calls in 2022. He comes off a bit tormented here; the script is literally about destroying good reputations.
First, Mike gets married to Christine (Melanie Liburd), who will disappear until she needs to get captured. Marcus disrupts the wedding twice. First, his toast casually mentions how Mike once dated a prostitute, the aforementioned witch, and Marcus’ sister. Then Marcus collapses: Heart attack. His vision of the afterlife includes a Pantoliano cameo, which, say that five times fast. Marcus wakes up, whispers a prophecy, and declares he will no longer be afraid. In fact, he thinks he cannot die.
Ride or Die really wants to unleash Martin Lawrence. He flashes and moons Miami, he walks backward through busy traffic, he tells Mike about their past lives. Has the balance of power shifted? Smith’s megastardom used to seem eternal, while Lawrence spent a lights-off eon delivering nothing beyond the Big Momma threequel. Now — well, I know, never mention the Slap again, but my Will Smith mood graph turns much more positive when he hangs out with Lawrence. The Mike-Marcus odd-couple dynamic used to have specific roots, bachelor yuppie vs. suburban daddy. Their contrast has become more stark. Smith hasn’t visibly aged in decades, while his personal life turned all Celebrity Gothic. Meanwhile, Ride or Die all-but-demands Lawrence eat more salad. Most of us do get wider as we get older, though. The passage of time reinforces some core Bad Boys feeling that Marcus is the regular guy driven mad by Mike’s insane world.
You’re talking to a High School Musical boy and a Vikings guy. So when I tell you Ride or Die gives returning support crew Vanessa Hudgens and Alexander Ludwig more to do, I’m saying I’m happy. Tiffany Haddish and DJ Khaled pop up for non-annoying cameos. Scipio is still very good as Mike’s son, now on a lame redemption arc. As Marcus’ wife, Theresa Randle gets replaced (rude) by Tasha Smith (cool!) who has nothing to do (rude.) Every Bad Boys is bloodier and nastier than you expect, and a couple executions are shocking given the general prankster mood. Somehow, don’t ask me, the plot involves 9/11.
Mike and Marcus wind up framed, chased by law enforcement, with a bounty on their heads that “every gang in the city” wants to take. If you’re making an “every gang in the city” movie, you gotta have at least six awesome outlaw crews. Haddish has a stripper gang, that’s one. Khaled leads, like, dudes with guns: Nope. Dane’s henchmen are generic paramilitary: Nope.
You see the problem here? If this movie is a hit, I pray the fifth entry lets the bad guy have as much fun as the bad boys. Get an equivalent personality, a hot ‘90s dude maintaining middle-aged charisma. Not playing another boring international drug dealer, but a brash hotshot supercriminal. Not selling Ecstasy, exuding it. Tyrese Gibson: Let’s ride.